OBITUARY: America, Dead at 228

(Nov 3, 2004) America, a former world leader and shining example of the best of what it means to be human, died yesterday from a terminally malignant cancer. She was 228.

Born amid dreams of charity, decency, and prosperity through peace and mutual respect, America early showed signs of being the greatest experiment in human values ever conceived in the world. Separating from a system of monarchy by inheritance, she stood on her own to declare that all of mankind could work together to create a truly beautiful world.

She struggled in her infancy, fighting many debilitating battles. In the beginning, she was forced to endure the hypocrisy of slavery; as she grew, she suffered the hypocrisy of expansion at the cost of the native population. Even then, there were those who bore the bright torch of her promise of equality, fairness, and acceptance—not merely tolerance—and America did her best to herself of these horrible wounds. The healing was imperfect, but it continued, always trying to better itself.

The progress of her second century was staggering: Prosperity, discovery, adventure, and continuous development and improvement. She was a model citizen of the world, making occasional errors of judgment, yet always seen as a bastion of hope and of the promise of what mankind could become. She proved that errors could be made and corrected, given love, understanding, and acceptance.

It wasn’t until the last forty years that America became aware of her disease. Even as humans reached for the stars and for the truest values of love and peace, the cancer began to eat away at small portions of her. Business, once honorable, became stricken with greed; religion, once a benign attempt to understand the spiritual, became delusional and power-hungry. A once proud people known as Republicans, who had previously provided brilliant leadership and vision through its earlier presidents, became a malignant force which threatened the very life of America.

The changes in America’s behavior did not go unnoticed. The other citizens of the world, once happy to share the planet with her and proud to be in her company, began to worry over her aggressive and greedy tendencies. Before long, the disease had crippled America to the point that most of the other countries became terrified of her; instead of the strong and benevolent mother of all, America had become a brutal and irresponsible example of tyranny from within and without.

A brief period of remarkable prosperity, in the last years of the 20^th century, gave the world hope that America could regain herself. Then, in 2000, the cancer metastasized throughout her system and brought forth horrible new symptoms. The Constitution, the very basis of her existence, was dismantled and all but destroyed; the democratic system, so cherished as the greatest example of man’s working together, was circumvented in a way that even the other countries of the world could see that something terrible was happening. America, in the grip of a poison made of the very people she had most helped, was no longer allowed to continue her own vision.

A final rally of the remaining thinkers and believers in America’s promise grew strong over the final nine months of her life. Unfortunately, the cancer had grown too great. The greed of industry and the power-mad evangelicals surged forward to grip the great lady by the throat and silence forever the sweet song of peace, prosperity, and respect for all. In a terrible 36 hour battle, America died as the surge of poisonous toxins pushed the last of their venom into place.

America was a country so fair that it allowed its own destruction rather than prevent the disease from spreading.

There are no living relatives. America will be interred where she stands. It is believed that her forests will be paved over, her citizens will be conscripted or monetarily enslaved, and her dream of freedom and equality will be stripped entirely as her Constitution is destroyed forever at the hands of the new dictator-like theocracy. Like some horrifying zombie, “Amerika” will rise and claim to be just as she was.

The rest of the world watches in horror, fearing for their lives. Amerika’s jihad is only just beginning.